Phil's Plea
by FishyFloat
Summary: Attention readers! The Mighty Ducks manager has a message just for you. Hide your checkbook and refuse to sign anything he asks of you. However, it is in your best interest to do as he asks. Someone might die horribly if you don't.


**AN:** Hehehehe! Yup, insane. I am absolutely insane. This is intended to be both informative and tongue-in-cheek.

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><p>Babe! Bubbe! Love of my life! There you are. You, my marvelous, cream cheese danish of a reader, are the very answer to all my problems.<p>

What's that? Who am I? I'm Phil Palmfeather… You know, the manager of hockey's most astounding team: the Mighty Ducks. Without me, they'd be nothing at all. I'm the one who convinced the NHL to accept humanoid ducks into the league. Do you have any idea how hard that was? All the paperwork, the phone conferences, the contracts, the legal issues of their citizenship… Don't even get me started on how hard it was to get green cards for aliens. And I'm talking real aliens here, not just someone from another country. Seriously, they don't pay me nearly enough. Hey, do you think you could convince them to give me a raise?

Huh? Oh, right. The other problem, the real reason I need you. You see, I've hired this psychotic fish woman to write some stuff about the Ducks. Keep the franchise going, you know? Anyway, she's a fairly decent author, if I do say so myself. Cheap, too. Not many people would write for what I'm paying her. How much? Oh, nothing. As long as I toss some fudge into her pool every now and then, she gives me more stories. Pretty good deal, if you ask me. But, the real issue here is her ego. Seriously! You'd think this Fishy Diva would take those bits of chocolate I give her and be happy with them; but, nooooooo. She wants reviews.

You leaving reviews for the Carpy Chica, and any other author, really, helps us all out. Reviews make the author happy. Happy author writes stories. More stories means more adventures with the Mighty Ducks. More adventures for the hockey loving birds equals more games they play. The more games they play, the more they win. The more they win, the more money I make. And then we're all happy!

Now, reviews. Those suckers can be tricky. Trust me, I know. I constantly have to give those birds reviews on how they did at the latest publicity stunt. You've got to be really careful how you approach Wildwing with anything. He even thinks you're going to ask him to do something and either he's off hiding somewhere or puffing up and acting all intimidating. Psh. Guy's full of hot air. Don't get me wrong, he can be scary when he's in one of those 'intimidate the poor manager' moods; but, I know he'd never do anything to actually hurt me.

Reviews! Yes. Heh, sorry about that. Yes, how to leave author-pleasing reviews. The best reviews are like a fine lasagna. Give it a saucy top layer of what you liked, some opinion noodles, and, if you're not vegetarian, a bit of meaty criticism. Throw in a final layer of compliments and you've got a review-lasagna any author will gobble down!

Let's start out with the good. You want to tell the author what you liked about the story. What made you laugh, what made you cry, what will it take to get you to sign a contract? Uh, yeah. Just ignore that last part. Was there something in particular that you especially liked? Tell the Piscene Queen! Even if it's something as simple as 'Phil's really handsome in this scene,' it will make her splash with joy and write more.

Want to know a secret about that crazy mermaid wannabe author? She's got something of a masochistic streak. Nothing like Captain Klegghorn putting Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce on his donuts; nobody's that insane. And why would you ruin a perfectly good Boston Creme with hot sauce, anyway? If there's absolutely anything at all that you thought was weird, tell the Fishy Float. Nosedive acting too serious? Grin making too much sense? Somebody actually showing up for their adoring public at an autograph session? Then tell that Smelly Salmon! If she doesn't hear what you don't like, then she won't know what to fix.

Grammar happens to be one of her strong suits. But, she gets a little egotistical at times. You've got to really get in there and deflate that ego. Otherwise, she starts floating near the top of the tank and can't reach her typewriter at the bottom. I just might chain an anchor to her tail one of these days… That might work for keeping her writing. Tell her about any grammar mistakes. If you don't catch any, or know grammar rules, then skip it. I'll go find that anchor and we'll call it even, capice?

Flames? Oh, baby, yeah. Flame her. See, the thing about working with a fem-fish is that she lives in water. Throw all the flaming Molotov Cocktails you want in her little pool. Turns out, she enjoys the hissing sound they make when they burn out. If you can't say anything nice about her stories, the say all the mean things you want. She actually feeds off that. Personally, I'd rather sink my teeth into a nice, juicy steak. To each their own.

That Fishy Diva has given me a list of things to help you with critiques. You might want to mention character development, plot, creativity, believability, writing style, or your overall thoughts. If all you want to do is say 'I enjoyed this story and look forward to more,' then say it. She might not do the show stopping air flips that put Shamu to shame, but she at least splashes around happily whenever there's some sort of comment.

Okay. I think I've said my piece. Now, go out there and review! Go make Fishy Float so happy she jumps right out of her tank!

So, really. What would it take to get you to sign a contract? I'm sure I can get you a job in the concession stand at the very least.

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><p><strong>End AN:<strong> Now, go! Go review all the authors! TheShadowCat needs reviews other than my own on her story. Go encourage LazyBlackCat to keep writing. Let DuchessOfBooks and IWasKitten know if you like their stories or not. And, for the love of trout, will someone please tell Narcissim Epedimic to write more? Above all, please remember to be kind. I told Phil to stress that, but he forgot. Ah well, that's what you get for letting a money hungry manager have his fifteen minutes of fame.

Many, many thanks to those of you who do leave reviews. I'd like to especially thank TheMightyDuck, Silver Sentinel, Loha, and Batbeinmyheart91. All of your messages of encouragement lift my soggy little heart. You bring me and every other writer much watery joy.


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